Ok, so here it is, my confession for the week.
I think that everyone hates me and talks behind my back. Ok, not actually EVERYONE, but anyone that I don't consider a best friend.
Silly right? And I know it's not rational, but it's ingrained into me. It's from years of being made fun of and bullied for being fat.
It really occurred to me this weekend that people I had put into the "friend" category, really are in the "acquaintance" category. It saddens me a bit, but truthfully, it's their loss. I am an AWESOME friend. Just ask the ones I have. I would do anything for the ones I love (and that is what I feel towards my friends)
Not to create my own pity party or anything, but I had gall bladder surgery this past Thursday. My real close friends all sent me a message to see how I was and the couple that didn't directly do that, get a pass, because I KNOW 100% that is wasn't because they didn't care. I have a better relationship with them to know that.
Social media and networking doesn't help either. See, I posted on Facebook so my friends (and "friends") would know that I was ok. My true friends all either liked it or commented. That was it. The rest of my "friends" didn't say anything.
Should this bother me? Nope, not in the least, but it does. It really hurts. I mean, I tear up right now thinking about it. How childish, I know. I live so far away from my good friends that I desperately miss the social aspect of hanging out with them. It is bothering me more now these past couple months than it has in forever. I don't know why.
These "friends" share pictures of them going out together or talk about the things their families did together or you just get that they are "in the loop". Funny thing, I don't really have the desire to go out for wild nights at the bar, etc, but I just want to be included. Part of the reason I don't want to actually hang out with them is because it's a small community and some of these women were the same ones who made high school Hell for me, throwing gum in my hair and making me feel uncomfortable to walk down the halls.
So tonight, I took the small step to "unsubscribe" to updates of a few of them. Not unfriend them all together, because I am too nosy for that shit. But I don't need to be reminded of them every day.
I need to find a way to either "make new friends" which in this community is pretty hard or make better contact with the ones I have that are long distance. I am opting for the second option. I am fine without the actual going out thing....just want someone to randomly chat with.
So, there you go, my confession. Through my eyes, the whole world hates me and calls me names behind my back!
What is your confession for the week?